Q & A With Colo Weather

We're here today with Colorado's newly appointed Director of the Department of Weather Control (DWC). He is here to address a few concerns we citizens have had of late about Colorado's crazy weather. We'll jump right in...

Q: Thanks for coming in today Mr Director, I'll get right to it and ask the question that's on a lot of Coloradan's minds: WTF mate?

A: Well Mitch, as you may well know, this is the first year the DWC has been in existence and likewise, my first experience controlling the weather. The transition from Mother Nature to myself has taken a hit on the traditional weather cycles in our state. We hope to have most of the bugs out of the system by mid July.

Q: But seriously, what's with this 60-35-40-75-37 degree high temperature pattern? It's messing with us all.

A: That particular decision concerning the temperature is two fold and, as you might have also noticed, the temperature swings coincide with a light dusting of precipitation. Firstly, this system is part of the new "Grow Don't Go ...Up In Flames" initiative for Colorado's forests. The idea being to have enough early season growth in certain higher risk areas during the spring and early summer months in order to reduce the number of serious wildfires in our state toward the end of the summer. If I may use an analogy, it's a little like watering your lawn. You don't water it constantly because you can over saturate the ground and run off the topsoil. The second goal of the fluxuating temperature is to reduce Colorado's overly high rate of skin cancer.

Q: Um... How exactly?

A: Well picture a recently opened pool in a student housing community. When we post a 75 degree high and then turn up the dial, inevitably, young men and women collect by these pools to work on their base tans. We at the DWC calculate how much sun the average tanner should get per session and convert this to a time based on our current conditions. As soon as we tick off that much time for the day's tanning session, BAM! afternoon shower to make people go inside.

Q: So really you are performing a public service with this bizarre weather?

A: That's exactly right Mitch.

Q: Ok, well we're almost out of time so just one more question: Why April? Both the Denver Post and RMN have recently run stories critical of your decision to move Colorado's weather transition month to April. How do you respond to that?

A: That was my own personal decision. March most certainly came in like a lion and went out like a slightly older lion. We move the transition month to April because, according to our sources in Paris, April is the new March. March was so twentieth century. Plus, global warming was slowly moving the month anyway, making summer and winter more extreme. We anticipated the transition month requiring more employees for the change over so we moved it for billing cycle reasons as well.

Q: Well, that's all our time for today, thanks for joining us Mr. Director. I do hope you can come back to our show in the future. May I close by asking what's on the menu for today?

A: Today will be a mix of clouds early, followed by a temperature spike around noon of about 85 degrees. That will be followed by the next ice age starting around 3:00. The late afternoon will feature a tropical hurricane or two and then by later tonight the fire and brimstone should be falling quite steadily and the seas might start to boil. Lucifer takes the stage promptly at 11:30 and by midnight, Apocalypse.

Q: Sounds like fun, I can't wait.

Some more Linkys

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G-to the USTER

As many other and myself have said before, Love Guster, Don't Eat Them. They rocked the Aggie on April 1st. It was one of the better guster shows I've seen. My compadres y yo were about two to three rows from the stage. This happened to be close enough to hatch my master plan. To the concert, I brought a double sided sign with the words, "I was there, Trippin' Balls - 9/5/4," on one side and the song title Parachute on the other. Much to my glee, Ryan, one of the lead singers of the band, saw and read the trippin balls sign outloud early in the concert and proceeded to say, "I dont know where they are now, but I'm sure they're off somewhere, trippin balls." So that was cool and makes for a good concert story, but it gets better. Later during the show, I held up the Parachute side. Ryan also read this and was about to play my favorite Guster song when some other Guster fan, presumably from the Univ of Wyo (this fact is currently under investigation), held up his own song sign for Rocket Ship. Unfortunately for me, this new sign happened to be cut in the shape of a rocket ship and was in Ryan's arm's length. He said that they had to play it because the fan went through the effort to make his sign in a cool shape. Well, not to be outdone, I grabbed my brother's knife and quickly began cutting my sign into pieces. My slicings created a pretty decent rendition of a parachute and a few songs later I thrust it into the air. Ryan started laughing pretty hard but, again did not play my song. O well, it was way funny. Two other awesome signs at the show said, "New Orleans Loves Guster," and my personal favorite, "Shalom Guster." What an awesome night.

Guster dot com

PS. I really hate it when overly agressive, overly horney, overly drunk off their ass couples attempt to have sex in a very crowded room as if no one else is in the vicinity. Vicinity meaning they were touching my ass.