Q & A With Colo Weather

We're here today with Colorado's newly appointed Director of the Department of Weather Control (DWC). He is here to address a few concerns we citizens have had of late about Colorado's crazy weather. We'll jump right in...

Q: Thanks for coming in today Mr Director, I'll get right to it and ask the question that's on a lot of Coloradan's minds: WTF mate?

A: Well Mitch, as you may well know, this is the first year the DWC has been in existence and likewise, my first experience controlling the weather. The transition from Mother Nature to myself has taken a hit on the traditional weather cycles in our state. We hope to have most of the bugs out of the system by mid July.

Q: But seriously, what's with this 60-35-40-75-37 degree high temperature pattern? It's messing with us all.

A: That particular decision concerning the temperature is two fold and, as you might have also noticed, the temperature swings coincide with a light dusting of precipitation. Firstly, this system is part of the new "Grow Don't Go ...Up In Flames" initiative for Colorado's forests. The idea being to have enough early season growth in certain higher risk areas during the spring and early summer months in order to reduce the number of serious wildfires in our state toward the end of the summer. If I may use an analogy, it's a little like watering your lawn. You don't water it constantly because you can over saturate the ground and run off the topsoil. The second goal of the fluxuating temperature is to reduce Colorado's overly high rate of skin cancer.

Q: Um... How exactly?

A: Well picture a recently opened pool in a student housing community. When we post a 75 degree high and then turn up the dial, inevitably, young men and women collect by these pools to work on their base tans. We at the DWC calculate how much sun the average tanner should get per session and convert this to a time based on our current conditions. As soon as we tick off that much time for the day's tanning session, BAM! afternoon shower to make people go inside.

Q: So really you are performing a public service with this bizarre weather?

A: That's exactly right Mitch.

Q: Ok, well we're almost out of time so just one more question: Why April? Both the Denver Post and RMN have recently run stories critical of your decision to move Colorado's weather transition month to April. How do you respond to that?

A: That was my own personal decision. March most certainly came in like a lion and went out like a slightly older lion. We move the transition month to April because, according to our sources in Paris, April is the new March. March was so twentieth century. Plus, global warming was slowly moving the month anyway, making summer and winter more extreme. We anticipated the transition month requiring more employees for the change over so we moved it for billing cycle reasons as well.

Q: Well, that's all our time for today, thanks for joining us Mr. Director. I do hope you can come back to our show in the future. May I close by asking what's on the menu for today?

A: Today will be a mix of clouds early, followed by a temperature spike around noon of about 85 degrees. That will be followed by the next ice age starting around 3:00. The late afternoon will feature a tropical hurricane or two and then by later tonight the fire and brimstone should be falling quite steadily and the seas might start to boil. Lucifer takes the stage promptly at 11:30 and by midnight, Apocalypse.

Q: Sounds like fun, I can't wait.